Incredible Sadness

Our foster children left three days ago.  It was heart and gut wrenching.  We all cried.  Words will not suffice regarding this transition that has taken place.

Friday, there were no tears in their eyes, only solemn faces in response to our unexplainable sad eyes.  There were no fits, no kicking and screaming.  We did tell them about this transition in as much detail as we thought they could understand.

M & S were silent upon leaving.  They took in as many hugs and kisses as we gave.  Believe me, we weren’t shy about covering them with I love you over and over.  They knew something big was happening.  It was bittersweet to notice the trust that they showed that day.  We’ve worked hard to earn their trust, and yet we were handing them over to caregivers that we don’t know well and we are unsure what the future may look like for them.  Believe me, it felt totally unnatural to hand these children over.  They left waving out the window of their new caregivers’ vehicle.  Our hearts sank, and some of us couldn’t even bare to look up.  I did though.  I felt like I was in a sad movie.  I mustered up a forced smile and called them by name.  The caregivers looked upon us with wordless apologies.  They all waved and off they went.

I drew in my arms and hands to my chest, turned and headed in to let out my sorrow.

The next few hours were full of worry.  Would they be okay?  I wanted to say, “Wait a minute, don’t be trusting kids… put your guard up… who knows what is going to happen in your life next.”  Did I forget to pack anything?  Would S & M need me and call out for me?  I wouldn’t be there.  I have physically let them go, but emotionally I haven’t.  I am partly still anticipating their needs and waiting for them to come back so I can mother them.

I have prayed a lot.  I have prayed for angels to escort them here and there and everywhere.  I have lifted them up each night asking God to calm their bodies, minds and hearts and allow them to rest.  I have prayed for their family, hoping they are healthy and able to take on this responsibility.  I have also repeatedly prayed, “Lord, help me.”

We have all been processing and grieving in our own ways.  There is an unspoken sadness lingering.  I am sure it will remain for some time.  We do talk about them.  And yes, I have found little tiny curls and little cars left here or there.  They are everywhere and they will remain.

This was just before they left.  That is a forced smile on Scott.  Isn’t she beautiful?

This was a few days before they left.  She was so taken with me painting her nails.  The delight in her eyes was breathtaking.


12 thoughts on “Incredible Sadness

  1. Leah says:

    I’m so sorry and I’m just so sad for you. I just keep praying every time God brings you to mind. Love you all. Leah

  2. Instant Mama says:

    Wow, I was eating as I read this but can no longer swallow any food for the lump in my throat. The tears are flowing – partly because I’ve felt that pain, and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I also fear feeling it again, but I know there’s a chance I will. Letting go of those we love is always hard, but especially when they are so vulnerable and you so willing to do more. I pray for you, I pray for them.

  3. Melissa S says:

    Hope you remember me from CHEAGD….. I follow you on your blog and want to let you know I have been praying for you all.

  4. Gretchen says:

    Wow! That was rough to read, so I can’t even imagine how gut wrenching it was to experience. You have and will remain in my prayers, sweet friend! Sending love and hugs!

  5. Amanda says:

    Anna, anna, anna. I have thot of you several times this past month & haven’t reached out. I came to your blog tonight to catch up & see what was afloat in your world. My, Anna….a lot. I feel like the breath has been knocked out of me- I am so sorry- for so many losses.
    I love you friend & will pray for you & Scott & the kids in your sadness.
    You loved, you gave, you served well.

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