He was grumpy. We all are at some point. He had several reasons why his day was just …. not a good one. He was not his best self and was needy in ways no one was paying attention to.
I remember feeling that I needed him to be okay. There was much to do on my list of to-dos and I really just wanted him to snap out of his funk.
After multiple conflicts and misunderstandings, he just decided to be alone. He is one of those that finds alone time very healing or maybe just a really good distraction. I was hopeful that in his separation, he would find what he needed to be okay.
Then came a nudge. I felt a nudge to followup his need for space with care and love. Suddenly, I felt like he really needed to be heard. Oh, I tried to push it away, after all, I had a lot to do.
I remembered that earlier in the morning he had mentioned how he wanted to go to the skatepark. This desire had not caused him any trouble, it just seeped out at some point. Now, you must know, it takes a lot to get me to the skatepark. I feel like with each trip there, I put my boys’ lives on the line. I felt like with how his day had gone and all that he and I had been through, I needed to show him in a big way that I care about him and I wanted to show love to him. This would not be an apology, but a true expression of love.
I walked up to his door, which was locked, and I slid a paper under the door that said, “I care… love, mama”. He let me in and I asked him if he still wanted to go to the skatepark. No more probing about this or that or fussing. He nodded, wiped his nose and simply said, “yes”.
We packed up our skateboards, the little two boys came along, and we headed downtown to the big skatepark. As suspected, and to my horror, it was extremely crowded. I parked and shut off the engine, turned around hoping to see the boys all acknowledge that it was too crowded and make a motion indicating that we needed to head out. Nope. They grabbed their boards and were off.
It didn’t take long for him to catch my eye and say, “Hey mom, look at this.” He was very careful, with a dash of daring that day. I was proud. He seemed to be as well.
Even when he may be his yuckiest, I still want to show him love. I want him to know I am always behind him, I always care. That’s unconditional love, right? I need to work this, because that day it didn’t feel natural to work so hard to find a good way to love him through.
I certainly have my fussy moments, days or weeks. I know that when I am feeling needy or low, it sure does feel good for someone to love me right where I am at, mess and all.
Below is a clip of the last run Julian made while we were at the park that day. Notice the little wave at the end. Yes Jules, I was still watching. I am still behind you.